Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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