everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
