If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
