So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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