Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
