when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
