Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
