Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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