I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
