and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
