I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
