i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
