Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
