every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
