Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
