Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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