Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
