Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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