Just cropdusted the office
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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