I got chris browned last night
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
