She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
