i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
