I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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