dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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