meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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