You can't special order awesome
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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