Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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