she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
