Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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