Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
