Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
