after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
