dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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