Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
