Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
