new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
