I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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