the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
