Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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