Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
