i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
