Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
