I think my fart just growled at me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
