Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
