yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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