If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
