whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
