Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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