I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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