I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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