This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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