I puked a lego.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
